I thought God had finished asking me to do things I was uncomfortable doing. I was wrong. Honestly? I’m less than thrilled with what He is asking me to do next. More honesty? I just flat don’t want to do it. Brutal honesty? I’m a little mad about the whole thing.
I’d better clarify. I’m not mad at God. I’m mad at me.
I thought I had matured more in my Christian walk. I thought that I would jump at any opportunity God placed before me that would result in a stronger and deeper relationship with Him. I thought I was able to “count all things joy.” Yeah well, guess I’m not as mature as I wanted to think I was, ‘cause I threw myself a little fit/pity party this week. I just flat don’t want to do what I believe God is asking me to do.
This situation that the Lord is asking me to jump into…well…dang it…it brings all sorts of insecurities to the surface. Insecurities I thought I had long ago put to death. Insecurities that used to keep me shackled and unable to move about in the freedom Christ called me to live in. If you had asked me a few days ago about these insecurities, I would have looked you in the eye and broken into Chris Tomlin’s chorus as a testimony:
“My Chains are Gone, I’ve been set free!”
Hmmm. Guess it took God putting me into this situation to show me, I ain’t so free….yet.
I liked to think of myself as a decent jar of clay. Nothing fancy, mind you. Just a regular ol’ jar of clay that The Potter had worked very hard on. I endured many spins on the wheel allowing Him to do His work in me. Somewhere along the way, I obviously crawled off of the wheel thinking I was looking pretty good! Geeze. I’m obviously good at fooling myself. ‘Cause now I hear the voice of The Potter, “Paulette. We’re not finished yet. Get back up here on my spinning wheel. Let me continue to mold you and shape you. Yes, it’s going to be uncomfortable. Yes, it will be hard work. And yes, you are bound to get dizzy. But let me finish what I started in you.”
The good news is this: while I may not be jumping up and down about this, I’ve been with Jesus long enough to know He doesn’t call me to be dizzy for no good reason. I’m about to endure a painful reshaping, but I trust my Potter’s hand.
So. Bring on the dizzy.